Archive | November 2014

4 days of fantab

Spent the most fantastic four days with an awesome friend helping her focus her time to hit her goal for nanowrimo, I did not participate in the challenge, however jumped at the chance to focus and submerge myself into my own story.

I ended up plugging over 7000 words into my own project in the four days, and many, many more words since the start of November and I feel absolutely amazing!

What a fantastic time we had! From five to twelve hour days, coffee, tea, take out, over heating lap tops, a snow fall warning, a cat constantly demanding attention and brilliantly exciting ideas that flashed between us like nothing I’ve experienced before.

Taking a break from the 9-5 and sinking into our creative process was rejuvenating and has given me a new found love for my craft.

Live to write! Can’t imagine doing anything else…

Feeding the soul one letter at a time 😀

I highly, highly recommend finding a writing buddy, sticking on some tunes and hiding out for a few days to be 100% in your lovely, creative self. Better than summer break I swear ;P at least that’s the truth for me

Looking forward to the next time she takes a leave from work so we can delve back into our imaginations and discover new and fantastic places to build our dreams into realities.

Never stop dreaming and never stop laying that ink to paper.

Congratulations to everyone who participated in nanowrimo!

Even if you didn’t hit your 50k words, you still made your love important enough to push yourself further then perhaps you’ve ever gone before.

I toast to your awesomeness! Now go get some sleep! ;P

Plant a seed and watch it grow.

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It’s a crispy -4 (that’s cold for us!)

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Yep… almost got snowed in with my “all season tires” and zero experience driving in snow. This is what could happen when several hrs of not looking ouside passes you by ;P

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Coulda been here…

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Meh… who am I kidding, it was just as awesome as doing this. 😀

Haunting

Twilight and the distant ring of steeple bells.

Tears part as shadows fell.

Whispered words exchanged… Half past twelve.

Flowers cast, haphazardly spun.

A touch of lace caressing a bodice undone.

A glassy lake reflects a mans darkened thought.

Alone in the world, tragedy wrought.

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Human feelings hurt and that’s ok.

The pain of lost love is something that we are all familiar with, on many different levels, there are many different kinds and all of them hurt with a red hot sting… branding our hearts and leaving us scarred.

It never heals, nor does it ever go away. Not completely, we learn to deal, to cope, put it aside, lock it away, forget it until a rainy day when we are alone and all we can do is stare out that rain covered window and drift into memories of the past.

It’s no secret, we all pretend but the oh so human emotions are indeed always there, ever so often to peer at us and remind us that we are in fact human and it is ok to feel.

It isn’t easy to feel, feeling isn’t always nice, hardly pleasant! But it is there and sometimes we need to look at it to remember our vulnerability, to remember that once we loved and once we were loved in return.

When faced with a chance to feel love again sometimes the last thing we want to do is look at it… What if like before it leaves us? For whatever reason it escapes our grasp. Perhaps it wasn’t our fault, perhaps it had nothing what so ever to do with us, but it did leave us and now we have to look at it again and put trust into the hands of someone who could throw it away and then once more we’d feel that sting.

Can anyone truly say when to trust again, when to allow your palm to be grasped by another, when are you ready? Well if there was an answer to that someone would have a lot of money right now!

Eventually we must trust again, must reach out because that slightest glimmer of hope may be there, in the distance, cast in shadow and doubt but still there, lingering, waiting, watching until we open our palm once again.

To fall into our sorrow for always is soulfully sorrowful! A tragedy to the utmost! The chance of love of any kind is there, it is always there, we must hold a torch for it, must keep a shred of hope otherwise we are forever fumbling in a sort of deathly cloud that we allowed to fall onto our own head.

There is no one to blame any longer but ourselves. Yes someone hurt us and yes that was a truly terrible thing, but it happened and to hang onto it for all time is to neglect that part of you that deserves to feel love again.

Never cast out your heart to never be held. It is a crushing loss. No being deserves this. No being deserves the lonely confines of a soul forever wandering, oh so lost within the lonely, lingering night.

Yes, it is a deeply dramatic drama, soiled with puppy dog tears. Yes I did just say that and I would again in an instant. Because it is exactly that and more. You know, you’ve felt it.

So dare to feel it again, take steps to be the one that takes care of your own heart and dare to trust another to share that heart with. Do not be careless, or reckless but do dare, dare to love again.

In the end life is short. There is a time and place to grieve and there is a time and place to let go, step forward and trust.

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Loss, grieving and letting go.

Some of you know me, some my family, some both and others neither at all.
Next Friday is my birthday, some say that birthdays can be especially difficult the week before, day of and even week after. We suddenly are reminded of our age, our life, our hopes, dreams and what we can do to create the future we want for ourselves and our loved ones.

This last week has been an emotional one for me and not a very productive one… I find that when I face writer’s block it is very much a block about myself. Myself not wanting to look at or deal with something that generally I need to write about to process. And I MUST let go of it to dissolve the “block”, writing about it is the most powerful thing I can do to move beyond it, some of you may feel that as well. I choose to make this very personal bit of writing public because it has so been a very secret part of my life, to put it to bed I feel I must “air out the laundry”, so to say… and hope to not offend any in the process, which is not my intent, please hear that now.

Well, I’ve been carrying around a block my whole life, no surprise there! It has felt like an ugly secret, one that a family wanting to seem perfect hasn’t easily looked at, now as we all grow on our own paths we’ve slowly been letting go of these ideas of a “perfect” family, everyone knows there is no such thing as perfect, nor would one really want there to be, life would be so dull!

My loss has been a painful one, as loss always is, I have refused to fully look at it, wanting to believe that one day this loss will simply go away, vanish and never be thought of again. That is not the truth, it is a lie that I juggle continuously and my aching body is finally ready to accept that this IS loss and it’s time to let it go. I’ve been grieving my whole life and that weight is keeping me small, that secret belittling my suffering and making me dismiss myself time and time again.

Most siblings have issues getting along, honestly I’ve always thought that I’ve been pretty lucky, there are six children in my family, I am one of the middle three and I am proud to say that with hard work, empathy and patience I have fantastic relationships with four out of my five siblings.

My older sister and I however have struggled our entire life, I cannot say exactly why, just that we have always been like the wrong ends of two magnets, impossible to be joined together.

As a child I never understood why my older sister didn’t seem to like me, I knew that she loved me as all siblings generally do, but that was pretty much where it ended. Somehow my presences was like a psychic vampire to her, I feel (come on who wants a vampire around!). I was a demanding child, that was how I felt I needed to be to survive in my family system, and I feel now that my older sister may have always resented this, that my big energy was something that she didn’t know how to deal with and in the end she suffered because of who I was as a person.

We were children that seemed to hurt each other emotionally and sometimes physically, though never seriously enough to be of major alarm, consistently and exhaustingly so! World war three was what my mother would say about our fights. “Let’s not start world war three!” would be said many times.

I could never understand why my big sister didn’t want to be my “big sister”, to this day I still don’t know what things were like for her, what her side of the story was or is.

I feel that her pain must be something terribly great, otherwise things would not have been as they were for us. I believe very much that there is good in everyone and my older sister has a great deal of good, she is an amazing person with amazing talents, raising two amazing boys as a single mother, I cannot even imagine! ….And I have spent my entire life pretending that my relationship with my older sister is ok. That I am fine, that nothing is wrong and that there is really little history there, ha!

The truth however is that my older sister has hurt me very deeply, I have always thought that I must have done something to cause this, that there must be a reason why… I have spent my life trying to make amends for whatever hurt I have caused her, from when I was born, to a child, teenager and now an adult and I still don’t know what I’ve done and I’m not sure if I ever will.

I have apologized on many occasions and once more I will now, if there is a chance that one day she should read this, I wish only that in it she sees my sadness at the loss of her in my life and how very sorry I am, to the depth of my soul that I have not been able to attain, or even meet the standards she has set for me.
I am sorry that I was never capable of being the little sister she needed me to be, I still don’t know what I could have done differently, if anything at all, but if I could go back in time and knew what I could do so she could see my heart filled with love for her, I would go back and do it now.

I mourn for the loss of moments that we never had and I cry for the little girls in us that just wanted peace and to be loved by each other.

I would have given anything to be allowed into her world, to have been able to support her, especially over the last few years of struggles that she has been through. Being on the outside and looking in was horribly painful, I wanted nothing but to be there for her, due to our complicated past she was unable to receive the support I offered to her and that has continued to this day.

I had thought and hoped that we’d be able to process our feelings and issues through professional support and counselling, she has not had the energy to pursue this avenue however and I’m finally beginning to accept that things may never change, it’s not my place to “force” change either, I can only be open to its natural occurrence. My sister is entitled to her own process and her own life, with or without me in it. All I can do is stay in integrity with myself and respect her wishes.

My older sister has been in her own process with my siblings and me, for a month or so now (I have no exact date), in it we have all had our own feelings, myself included, as you can see. In this process she has asked for space and privacy, no contact from her siblings whatsoever.

The biggest piece for me in this is that I’ve finally been seen in my pain, I shall perceive this as a gift that would not have occurred if it wasn’t for her asking us for space. My four siblings and my mother have finally seen what I have been going through my entire life, somehow there is at last room for that part of me that felt unnoticed in my sorrow. The part that felt hushed and silenced to keep the image of “perfect” family, the elephant in the room (my sister and I and our lack of getting along) was left alone, swept under the rug, never spoken about, of course it was a massive pain for my parents and many of the other family members as well…

No one wants there to be hostility, of course not, but at the same time no one knew what to do about it and it was probably best that it was ignored, the family was preserved and that may have been the best thing for everyone.

Now as adults, there is no reason to pretend any longer, I cannot be in integrity with myself, I cannot write if I lie about parts of my life that are important, huge and painful, but that are a part of who I am today. To do that would be to shoot myself in the foot before I’d even reached the starting line.

Everyone is entitled to express themselves, to have their feelings, once again know that this is not an attack on my older sister, this is simply a dropping of the veil, and this is me saying that I DO matter. I know that I am not perfect, seriously! I am not perfect! I have done wrong too and I have hurt my sister, I do not know how, but I take full responsibility for my actions in our attempted relationship.

I will always love her very, very much, if there comes a day when she wishes to build a relationship with me I will always be open to starting one, with all the feelings and struggles that it will undoubtedly bring!

Do not think either that it’s all been bad! We have had many good times too, where each of us has shown great kindness towards the other, how could we not? In all the blood shed there is the sisterly bond of love that no amount of wounding can break, it brings me joy to know it! And I know it with the knowledge that underneath the outward appearance there are many, many layers.

This is me officially walking away from the door, be it always open, I will no longer pine after something that I never had and that I may never have.

This is me acknowledging all that hurt, all that pain and putting it to rest.

This is me burying the idea I have held of a “big sister”, for our capabilities only extend so far in life…

This is me standing at the tomb stone removing the black ribbon of mourning from my sleeve. I have mourned for far too long…

Here I am, just me, living my life and letting go of the sister that I’ve never had, the unrealistic, perfect image, which truthfully no one can, or should have to stand up to.

Perhaps I letting go of her will be what she needs to also let go and move on with her life, to live it to its fullest, no regrets.

I pray that she finds her happiness, it’s all I’ve truly ever wanted for her.

Without our past experiences, emotional journeys and the people who we have known and do know, where would we be? Our experiences shape us, teach us and after all…. Everything happens for a reason.

“…And with the winds whispering wayward she faded out upon the tide…”

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The home time lull

Well, I’ve been home for a while now, adjusting to being back to the routine of life is so never easy!
I enjoyed my little road trip very much! I’ve never driven very far period and never been the driver driving across the border and into the states, it was great fun, long, long days where we saw (as mentioned before) lots of fog. I quite enjoyed the fog myself and we were lucky to get many pockets of blue sky and sun which lifted the frustration of the fog quite quickly. San Fran was beautiful! All in all it was lovely, I’d be happy to make the trip again, perhaps earlier in the summer next time ;P

And of course the Red Woods! Bucket list check off for sure!

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Now I’m stuck with that far too frequent down of just getting back from a vacation and having to face the ‘normal’ everyday life again. And of course, what’s next? The “what’s next” that drives me nuts! It’s like an unfinished puzzle that takes up a majority of my living space and all I can do once in a while is attempt to fit in a few more pieces. It’s that time when you want to plan the next adventure but know that it’s not quite the right time yet, so you must wait and wait and wait some more. Try to not blow all your extra (though little) cash on things to make you feel better about your time at home, because after all that cash is what’s going to take you into your next adventure! We must be patient and sit on it while randomly looking up flights to different places and not booking any…

It’s such an interesting self-reflective place to be in, one gets to think about what is really important in one’s life and what does one want to be doing for the next while. What feeds you, drives you and is also practical enough for you to meet your needs and make life awesome.

There is a very big part of me that wants to pack up house and just backpack around Europe and see the parts of Canada and the states I haven’t yet, you know…. With a few stops in Australia, New Zealand and perchance India. And of course these all involve quite a decent amount of money. There is of course the ever possible working visas, and I have duel citizen ship for the UK so that’s not really an issue at all. But do I want to be “homeless”? A nomad? For who knows how long… a year? Six months?

So many possibilities! And then it is winter after all…. So Australia then eh? Hehe

And of course what I really want to be doing is writing.
How I’ve currently set up my life allows me the time and space to write what I wish and do very little “paid” work. BUT if I decided to hope off on some hair brained travel plan… then all my extra cash that allows me this work/freedom state I live in will dwindle and when I choose to return “home” I will undoubtedly be required to work more and have far less time to be involved in my creative endeavours, but then is travel not but a creative endeavour in itself?

Oh the possibilities!

And when young and unattached, should one not travel, wander the globe inspiring one’s self to strive further and attain new heights in life?

Ah but yes… ;P

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