Sometimes the world is a horrifically uncomfortable place to live in, being “human” can be very difficult, everyday one can be faced with all sorts of challenges and then we are expected to get through it and not just scrape by but excel as if we are robots with no feelings at all, we shut down, shut out, compartmentalise, if we didn’t could we really do the day to day?
We have trauma, broken hearts, illnesses, family dramas, relationship dramas, work dramas, really every sort of drama that one can think of!
There are moments, breaths when for myself all I can do is take time, lots and lots of time, time just for me.
I cannot live and not feel, it isn’t in me, I do the little stuffing things in “boxes” I have to when there are things that simply must get done, with caution, meticulously, gently and so very carefully as to not step on my own toes.
I have sever anxiety from past traumas in my life (most of us do) and it is a constant balance to be sympathetic with myself and my difficulties as well as knowing when I have to take a step out of the comfort zone. I’m not sure how one really knows when to peek around the corner of the door and when to actually pull on the shoes and step outside, for each and every one of us it will be different. I do know that I get absolutely no place fast when I force myself to do something that is too much, too hard, too triggering. To re-traumatize is not a good thing and in my experience we each have to be the judge of what that is and what that means for ourselves, this is true for me, perhaps not for you, only you know…
Sometimes it is enough to get up, get breakfast and make tea, sometimes it is enough to go for a walk or a drive. I do not force myself these days, I know when I need to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that today I will do something new that pushes me outside of my comfort zone. Do not tell me when this time is, you don’t know, you aren’t me. I will not wallow, I don’t believe in “wallowing”, I believe in taking time and space for myself and it is the most important thing, the most healing thing, really the best thing I can do.
I love to walk down the street and smell the rain, to see the greenery struggling to escape from the ground, to try and guess if the sun will or will not greet us this day.
I live a gentle life and I like it that way, but I haven’t always, I’ve lived in an incredibly fast paced world which I both loved and hated at the time. I make “sacrifices” which don’t feel like sacrifices to me, though others may disagree, I live simply so as to have more time to myself and less outside of the home in the madness of the world which I still struggle to deal with. It isn’t natural, in my eyes, this always going places super-fast, money, money, money! What is success to you? I live and breathe for space and time, for myself, drama free, it isn’t always easy, it is still a battle to know what to do and how to do it. The world for me is a very alien place, I see it as if in slow motion in colours, smells and sounds, heart beats and the shadow that hides just behind the eyes.
I won’t pretend because it hurts more to pretend then to not, I move slowly until I know where to put my feet and then I can leap forward at a pace that may feel quick to some but to me is just as simple as suddenly knowing and then moving, with that knowing in hand. I feel like an eagle watching something with a cautious eye, waiting to see which way the wind will blow before spreading its wings to take flight.
The world is a strange and alien place… every single day I am learning how to be in it, with words I paint the picture I see in my mind and it helps me to lay my roots and sense my purpose and move within it.
Every day is an adventure, sometimes that adventure is the discovering of what to eat or which trek around the neighborhood to take and sometimes it’s a job interview, a date, the start of a class or ticking something off of the bucket list. It’s an amazing and beautiful, frightening and intriguing adventure, I am here to live it, even if I don’t always want to be, I am committed to understanding what it is to me, what it means to be here to me, because really I’m here, in this body as me, so… I may as well figure out how best to do that.
With one step a day, heart and hand open, the strangeness and wonders of life continues… one day at a time.