I’m sitting here at my weekly local cafe ‘write-in’ and instead of working on my current project I’m thinking about my grandma’s celebration of life which is happening today. In this all I can think of is how I don’t really want to be there, because I’m “supposed” to be saying goodbye, but I don’t want to say goodbye, I’m not ready for goodbye…. so perhaps I need to look at this from another angle, maybe I’m saying “I’ll see you later” or “I’ll be seeing you”, and I can hear the lyrics as the song comes to mind…. I’ll listen to it in my head and smile, for Grandmama Moo loved those beautiful classic love songs and movies! She did love going to see movies, the cinema as she always called it, “I’d like to go to the cinema”, she’d say, and we would…
When it was easier for her to get around her and I would on occasion go to the cinema, she liked Fifth Avenue Cinema’s, there is this lovely little cafe around the corner from the theater and we’d always go for a coffee before or after the movie. Moonie (as she was called by us grandchildren) loved to go for tea or coffee, or a little lunch at the local cafe down the street from her second floor apartment. I loved these outings, I loved how she would just sit and watch people walking by, we’d comment on a new painting or flowers on the tables and just be.
Later when it was too much for her to do these outings I’d go over to her place and we’d have tea and biscuits and a light lunch in her living room, we’d look out the windows and talk about the trees and what colour the leaves were, or untangle weeds in her patio garden and see how the roses were looking and if any were budding yet.
Grandmama Moo had a gift, she saw beyond all the ugliness in the world to the beauty that flourishes in every corner, no matter what was happening in the world she’d see the flowers hidden by overgrown ivy and the tulips escaping from behind the rubbish bins, some may say that she saw the world through rose coloured glasses, I appreciated this way of seeing things, I know it was also an escape for her from the pain that one carries in life, however it helped me, the way she saw things, helped me to get out of my head and find my heart once more and the creativity that is everywhere and in everything.
It became harder and harder for her to find these moments of magic in the last year of her life, it was strange to see her struggling with depression as it became more and more clear that she was coming to the end of this life’s journey, slowly I found myself faced with the fact that I needed to let go.
When it came to her time she wanted to go, she even told us, her family and friends that she was ready and wanted to die, it was hard to hear but I was proud of her as all of us were, she’d lived a good long life full of love and joy, with hardship and pain of course, but oh so much fun! She knew how to have fun and I think this is what made the last months or year of her life so hard for her, when her mobility finally went and all the things that she loved to do, even walking around the block simply became too hard for her.
I struggle with the time line of things and exactly when it was that she stopped fighting, it doesn’t matter, not really, what matters is how I want to continue living and honouring her memory, I miss her, all the creative talks, dreams, writing discussions, poetry and romance. There is so much I could say, so many things, but goodbye is not one of them and so I shall forget about goodbye, she’s here, as are all our loved ones in spirit, watching over us, supporting and protecting us, inspiring and pushing us.
So today I’ll raise my tea cup to Grandmama Moo and say “I’ll be seeing you”… and simply leave it at that.
…. Grandmama Moo, the Rose Heart.