Archives

Never too old for magic

I remember the excitement of Christmas as a child, peaking through my bedroom curtains to see if it was snowing yet, placing water outside waiting for it to freeze, thus telling of the inevitable snowfall. The smell of the tree of course was the best of all, when it was dark out the tree would sparkle as if lit by fairy wings, dancing with tinsel and fragile glittery bulbs that would shatter into a million pieces if dropped, we’d lose one or two every year no matter how careful we were, they were just so delicate.

 Best of all were the gifts! Coming from such a large family, my immediate family alone would fill the under branches of the tree with so many gifts that it became almost impossible to water the poor green giant, all dressed up but with no place to go, one would have to create a path among the presents or lose our precious new family member to drought.

Nothing more exciting however then the night before Christmas, the hush of tired little elves and the rustle of last minute wrapping, it’s magic in the air, floating around each of us, radiating and multiplying into a tizzy of rambunctious joy!

My siblings and I would dream of snow, we’d cut out little paper snow flakes and tape them to the very large kitchen windows, this was tradition to give thanks to the snow for joining us in the past and willing it to return once again.

In those days we had several white Christmas mornings greet us, in our eyes snow would bring all the mystical creatures of the holiday to our home and it never quiet felt as special on years when the snow stayed away.

Even with the likely argument between either mum and dad or one of us kids getting into some silly quarrel Christmas was always the best part of the year, to this day I believe in the magic that surrounds us during the holiday season, hearts are warmer, hands open, smiles frequent. Though it’s not so much about the wading through knee deep discarded wrapping paper that I long for anymore, but the wholesome belly filled love sensation that is everywhere. The air still tingles and the Christmas tree still homes a dozen fairies, wings all a flutter.

…And perhaps maybe, just maybe if we are really still and press our noses to the cold glass of our windows, maybe we’ll by chance catch sight of the first snow flake as it falls.

 

IMG_3933

Advertisements

I’ll be seeing you…

I’m sitting here at my weekly local cafe ‘write-in’ and instead of working on my current project I’m thinking about my grandma’s celebration of life which is happening today. In this all I can think of is how I don’t really want to be there, because I’m “supposed” to be saying goodbye, but I don’t want to say goodbye, I’m not ready for goodbye…. so perhaps I need to look at this from another angle, maybe I’m saying “I’ll see you later” or “I’ll be seeing you”, and I can hear the lyrics as the song comes to mind…. I’ll listen to it in my head and smile, for Grandmama Moo loved those beautiful classic love songs and movies! She did love going to see movies, the cinema as she always called it, “I’d like to go to the cinema”, she’d say, and we would…

When it was easier for her to get around her and I would on occasion go to the cinema, she liked Fifth Avenue Cinema’s, there is this lovely little cafe around the corner from the theater and we’d always go for a coffee before or after the movie. Moonie (as she was called by us grandchildren) loved to go for tea or coffee, or a little lunch at the local cafe down the street from her second floor apartment. I loved these outings, I loved how she would just sit and watch people walking by, we’d comment on a new painting or flowers on the tables and just be.

Later when it was too much for her to do these outings I’d go over to her place and we’d have tea and biscuits and a light lunch in her living room, we’d look out the windows and talk about the trees and what colour the leaves were, or untangle weeds in her patio garden and see how the roses were looking and if any were budding yet.

Grandmama Moo had a gift, she saw beyond all the ugliness in the world to the beauty that flourishes in every corner, no matter what was happening in the world she’d see the flowers hidden by overgrown ivy and the tulips escaping from behind the rubbish bins, some may say that she saw the world through rose coloured glasses, I appreciated this way of seeing things, I know it was also an escape for her from the pain that one carries in life, however it helped me, the way she saw things, helped me to get out of my head and find my heart once more and the creativity that is everywhere and in everything.

It became harder and harder for her to find these moments of magic in the last year of her life, it was strange to see her struggling with depression as it became more and more clear that she was coming to the end of this life’s journey, slowly I found myself faced with the fact that I needed to let go.

When it came to her time she wanted to go, she even told us, her family and friends that she was ready and wanted to die, it was hard to hear but I was proud of her as all of us were, she’d lived a good long life full of love and joy, with hardship and pain of course, but oh so much fun! She knew how to have fun and I think this is what made the last months or year of her life so hard for her, when her mobility finally went and all the things that she loved to do, even walking around the block simply became too hard for her.

I struggle with the time line of things and exactly when it was that she stopped fighting, it doesn’t matter, not really, what matters is how I want to continue living and honouring her memory, I miss her, all the creative talks, dreams, writing discussions, poetry and romance. There is so much I could say, so many things, but goodbye is not one of them and so I shall forget about goodbye, she’s here, as are all our loved ones in spirit, watching over us, supporting and protecting us, inspiring and pushing us.

So today I’ll raise my tea cup to Grandmama Moo and say “I’ll be seeing you”… and simply leave it at that.

FullSizeRender (1)

…. Grandmama Moo, the Rose Heart.

Drop

Words like imagery can move you…

into alternate places, deep and devastating corners of your mind, into shadow, into light,

there is something there to be said, something there to be felt, something….

And when you see it, feel it, read it, you are somewhere else, someone else,

and the universe appears in a way never before felt, never before seen,

it’s magic and wonder both at the same time and all you can do is stop,

close your eyes and breathe for fear of being lost in the wonder that is…

IMG_0028

Breathe

Sometimes it is a scary step to take in making yourself important enough to do what is best for your highest good, often we can’t hear what that is because we are too confused by the buzzing.

Sit in the silence, you know what you need to continue your journey. One step at a time.

Go walk, dance, meditate, shut out the noise of the outside world and focus on you. Then throw that all out the window and just be for awhile. Don’t over analyse, don’t do the ‘what if’s’, running them over and over again until you are so tired you wish you could crawl under a rock and it would all just go away…

Let go of controlling the outcome of the situation, trust that you are taken care of, you can’t control everything…  and the universe is supporting you, the universe has a plan…. everything happens for a reason.

You are going through this for a reason, there is something to learn, we may not know what that is and we may have to go through it another billion times, eventually something will click, if only for a short while and there will be relief.

The only person who truly knows what is best for you is you.

You already know what your truth is, you will either choose to ignore that and continue on, or you will make changes to align your life more with whatever your truth is! It can take years, you will know your pace, you will know what you need to do to follow your purpose, whatever that is!

Trust yourself, everything is going to be okay.

What is your inner self trying to tell you? What can you do to better hear what it is saying?

Are you happy in your life? What changes can you make?

FullSizeRender

Breathe deep, you are not alone.

A moment to remember

n18795686650_2874

Today would have been my dad’s 62nd birthday, it’s been almost 7 years and I still have moments when I want to pick up the phone and call him, for a second forgetting that he’s no longer here…

The best thing that I’ve heard in quite sometime in regards to dealing with loss was in an episode of Vampire Diaries, (yes I enjoy my Vampire Diaries thank you very much) when one of the characters says to another:

“Today isn’t the worst day of your life, today and tomorrow it’s a cake walk, there’ll be people around you day in and day out like they’re afraid to leave you alone, the worst day…that’s next week when there’s nothing but quiet…”

Truth, a terrible truth and it never ends, those moments when there is nothing but the silence around you and all you can think of is that person that is no longer there.

There are many survivors of loss, when you feel that silence and that alone, dead space, try to remember that you really are not alone though you may feel it.

When you can take a breath and tear yourself away from that distant and hollow reflection that is starring back at you from that still and glassy mirror, touch your heart and feel its beat. There are many like you out there, feeling lost and alone, reach out and know that you are loved, supported and like every other day, this day too will pass and you will be ok.

I speak about loss frequently! Because it’s hard and I too need these reminders when I’m having a bad day, so I share them with others in hopes that somehow perhaps I can give comfort, even if just for the time that it takes for you to read this.

Love and be loved, today, tomorrow and for always.

But now! Today is about celebration! Celebrating my awesome dad on his birthday. Raising a glass to you dad! Love you forever.

100_0059

Happy birthday daddy! We love you tons and miss you loads ❤

Life’s many strides

Sometimes the world is a horrifically uncomfortable place to live in, being “human” can be very difficult, everyday one can be faced with all sorts of challenges and then we are expected to get through it and not just scrape by but excel as if we are robots with no feelings at all, we shut down, shut out, compartmentalise, if we didn’t could we really do the day to day?

We have trauma, broken hearts, illnesses, family dramas, relationship dramas, work dramas, really every sort of drama that one can think of!

There are moments, breaths when for myself all I can do is take time, lots and lots of time, time just for me.

I cannot live and not feel, it isn’t in me, I do the little stuffing things in “boxes” I have to when there are things that simply must get done, with caution, meticulously, gently and so very carefully as to not step on my own toes.

I have sever anxiety from past traumas in my life (most of us do) and it is a constant balance to be sympathetic with myself and my difficulties as well as knowing when I have to take a step out of the comfort zone. I’m not sure how one really knows when to peek around the corner of the door and when to actually pull on the shoes and step outside, for each and every one of us it will be different. I do know that I get absolutely no place fast when I force myself to do something that is too much, too hard, too triggering. To re-traumatize is not a good thing and in my experience we each have to be the judge of what that is and what that means for ourselves, this is true for me, perhaps not for you, only you know…

Sometimes it is enough to get up, get breakfast and make tea, sometimes it is enough to go for a walk or a drive. I do not force myself these days, I know when I need to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that today I will do something new that pushes me outside of my comfort zone. Do not tell me when this time is, you don’t know, you aren’t me. I will not wallow, I don’t believe in “wallowing”, I believe in taking time and space for myself and it is the most important thing, the most healing thing, really the best thing I can do.

I love to walk down the street and smell the rain, to see the greenery struggling to escape from the ground, to try and guess if the sun will or will not greet us this day.

I live a gentle life and I like it that way, but I haven’t always, I’ve lived in an incredibly fast paced world which I both loved and hated at the time. I make “sacrifices” which don’t feel like sacrifices to me, though others may disagree, I live simply so as to have more time to myself and less outside of the home in the madness of the world which I still struggle to deal with. It isn’t natural, in my eyes, this always going places super-fast, money, money, money! What is success to you? I live and breathe for space and time, for myself, drama free, it isn’t always easy, it is still a battle to know what to do and how to do it. The world for me is a very alien place, I see it as if in slow motion in colours, smells and sounds, heart beats and the shadow that hides just behind the eyes.

I won’t pretend because it hurts more to pretend then to not, I move slowly until I know where to put my feet and then I can leap forward at a pace that may feel quick to some but to me is just as simple as suddenly knowing and then moving, with that knowing in hand. I feel like an eagle watching something with a cautious eye, waiting to see which way the wind will blow before spreading its wings to take flight.

The world is a strange and alien place… every single day I am learning how to be in it, with words I paint the picture I see in my mind and it helps me to lay my roots and sense my purpose and move within it.

Every day is an adventure, sometimes that adventure is the discovering of what to eat or which trek around the neighborhood to take and sometimes it’s a job interview, a date, the start of a class or ticking something off of the bucket list. It’s an amazing and beautiful, frightening and intriguing adventure, I am here to live it, even if I don’t always want to be, I am committed to understanding what it is to me, what it means to be here to me, because really I’m here, in this body as me, so… I may as well figure out how best to do that.

With one step a day, heart and hand open, the strangeness and wonders of life continues… one day at a time.

IMG_4138nn

Reminders of thoughts and patterns.

I’ll talk about this time and time again because I know I need to be reminded of these things and consciously aware of my thoughts as much as possible.

Sometimes this world is a super confusing and messed up place, things happen that just seem unfair, hopeless and make us ask why. Why would the universe make us go through this, how is it helpful, how can it be something that we have to live through? It’s just not fair…
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? Gee that’s sure helpful to know!
We’ve all been through things that seemed unfair, that are unfair, but we still have to go through them, no one knows why, it just is.

We can fall into depression and feel that there is no hope, no love and no one who understands, or we can find a way to pick ourselves up and take control of our lives and find a way to live for our own happiness.

You’ll hear people say time and time again that you have to create the life that you want to lead, I know, sounds easy eh. Well we all know it’s not, but that doesn’t change the truth, we do have to take control and we are the makers of our own happiness.

That doesn’t make it easy, nothing makes it “easy”, like they say of weight loss… there are no pills to fix things, no short cuts to make it quick, painless and “easy”.

Know that you aren’t alone in this. Though we all like to think that we are “fine” and fake it to make it and say that we aren’t struggling, deep down all of us have at one point or another struggled and most of us struggle every single day, we are just really good at hiding it ;P

So when you pass a happy couple on the street instead of feeling jealous of their joy, smile at it and feel joy that you witnessed happiness and remember that what you see on the outside isn’t always what it is on the inside.

I’ll say it again and again…
Be the creator of your joy… of your happiness.

Know when to ask for help and never be ashamed of it.

Believe that the universe is a safe place.

And remember that what you put out into the world comes back.

Be vulnerable in the eyes of fear.

Love and be loved.

You are never alone, you only think that you are…

Clinton 07 319n