Correspondence, magic and the dreamer.

As I attempted to organize my (very) small room today and sort some of the many things I’ve inherited from my Grandmama Moo (I have been very lucky to inherit two beautiful little writing desks, one from my step grandma and one from Moo), attempting to sort the massive amount of writing materials into my two desks had me beyond overwhelmed, I hadn’t even begun to understand the beautiful collection of writing materials that Moo had, still I’m in awe, she had the most wonderful collection of postcards! Some to send out to friends and some for her own personal collection which is sorted into binders beautifully.
Even before I was a teenager I had discovered my love for writing and much like Moo my love for sending and receiving beautiful cards via snail mail, an art form and a hobby that has been abandoned by many nowadays and very much so by my generation… to my utmost despair.

The depth of the loss of my Moo slowly has been sinking in, it’s layers, constant layers that one has to find a way through over what feels like a very long time, in my experience sometimes years…. And so it has struck me that I have no one to write to anymore, Moo and I had an extensive history of correspondence and here I have her ‘writers dream of a collection’ of correspondence materials and no one to write to…

Moo and I would write about the trees, the sunsets, the flowers on her patio, how she loved the sea, magic, romance, cherry blossoms and our hopes and dreams in life, we had a language, a heart connection and a mutual love for the written word that I felt no one else truly understood, it was our soul food and corresponding with each other kept our dreams alive.
Of course it’s been sometime since she was able to write, the last year really she couldn’t manage, her eye sight and weariness made writing difficult, she often would have one of her grandchildren help her to respond to friends as it was easier than struggling to herself.

Denial, not wanting to see the truth of her age and the reality that she was not going to somehow recover from things was something that I struggled to accept, when someone has been in your life for always it’s hard to imagine them not being there, it’s still hard and likely will be for sometime.

I can’t stop writing, not ever, somehow I will find a way to forge on and though there will never be another Moo to dream with, perhaps through time I can find a few to write with and continue my Grandmama’s passion… weaver of stories… Until then I shall write to her, I shall write to her here and share with you dear readers the way Moo and I saw things and how that magic picked us up and carried us throughout our days.

"Not all those who wander are lost" J.R.R. Tolkien

“Not all those who wander are lost” J.R.R. Tolkien

I’ll be seeing you…

I’m sitting here at my weekly local cafe ‘write-in’ and instead of working on my current project I’m thinking about my grandma’s celebration of life which is happening today. In this all I can think of is how I don’t really want to be there, because I’m “supposed” to be saying goodbye, but I don’t want to say goodbye, I’m not ready for goodbye…. so perhaps I need to look at this from another angle, maybe I’m saying “I’ll see you later” or “I’ll be seeing you”, and I can hear the lyrics as the song comes to mind…. I’ll listen to it in my head and smile, for Grandmama Moo loved those beautiful classic love songs and movies! She did love going to see movies, the cinema as she always called it, “I’d like to go to the cinema”, she’d say, and we would…

When it was easier for her to get around her and I would on occasion go to the cinema, she liked Fifth Avenue Cinema’s, there is this lovely little cafe around the corner from the theater and we’d always go for a coffee before or after the movie. Moonie (as she was called by us grandchildren) loved to go for tea or coffee, or a little lunch at the local cafe down the street from her second floor apartment. I loved these outings, I loved how she would just sit and watch people walking by, we’d comment on a new painting or flowers on the tables and just be.

Later when it was too much for her to do these outings I’d go over to her place and we’d have tea and biscuits and a light lunch in her living room, we’d look out the windows and talk about the trees and what colour the leaves were, or untangle weeds in her patio garden and see how the roses were looking and if any were budding yet.

Grandmama Moo had a gift, she saw beyond all the ugliness in the world to the beauty that flourishes in every corner, no matter what was happening in the world she’d see the flowers hidden by overgrown ivy and the tulips escaping from behind the rubbish bins, some may say that she saw the world through rose coloured glasses, I appreciated this way of seeing things, I know it was also an escape for her from the pain that one carries in life, however it helped me, the way she saw things, helped me to get out of my head and find my heart once more and the creativity that is everywhere and in everything.

It became harder and harder for her to find these moments of magic in the last year of her life, it was strange to see her struggling with depression as it became more and more clear that she was coming to the end of this life’s journey, slowly I found myself faced with the fact that I needed to let go.

When it came to her time she wanted to go, she even told us, her family and friends that she was ready and wanted to die, it was hard to hear but I was proud of her as all of us were, she’d lived a good long life full of love and joy, with hardship and pain of course, but oh so much fun! She knew how to have fun and I think this is what made the last months or year of her life so hard for her, when her mobility finally went and all the things that she loved to do, even walking around the block simply became too hard for her.

I struggle with the time line of things and exactly when it was that she stopped fighting, it doesn’t matter, not really, what matters is how I want to continue living and honouring her memory, I miss her, all the creative talks, dreams, writing discussions, poetry and romance. There is so much I could say, so many things, but goodbye is not one of them and so I shall forget about goodbye, she’s here, as are all our loved ones in spirit, watching over us, supporting and protecting us, inspiring and pushing us.

So today I’ll raise my tea cup to Grandmama Moo and say “I’ll be seeing you”… and simply leave it at that.

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…. Grandmama Moo, the Rose Heart.

Drop

Words like imagery can move you…

into alternate places, deep and devastating corners of your mind, into shadow, into light,

there is something there to be said, something there to be felt, something….

And when you see it, feel it, read it, you are somewhere else, someone else,

and the universe appears in a way never before felt, never before seen,

it’s magic and wonder both at the same time and all you can do is stop,

close your eyes and breathe for fear of being lost in the wonder that is…

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Breathe

Sometimes it is a scary step to take in making yourself important enough to do what is best for your highest good, often we can’t hear what that is because we are too confused by the buzzing.

Sit in the silence, you know what you need to continue your journey. One step at a time.

Go walk, dance, meditate, shut out the noise of the outside world and focus on you. Then throw that all out the window and just be for awhile. Don’t over analyse, don’t do the ‘what if’s’, running them over and over again until you are so tired you wish you could crawl under a rock and it would all just go away…

Let go of controlling the outcome of the situation, trust that you are taken care of, you can’t control everything…  and the universe is supporting you, the universe has a plan…. everything happens for a reason.

You are going through this for a reason, there is something to learn, we may not know what that is and we may have to go through it another billion times, eventually something will click, if only for a short while and there will be relief.

The only person who truly knows what is best for you is you.

You already know what your truth is, you will either choose to ignore that and continue on, or you will make changes to align your life more with whatever your truth is! It can take years, you will know your pace, you will know what you need to do to follow your purpose, whatever that is!

Trust yourself, everything is going to be okay.

What is your inner self trying to tell you? What can you do to better hear what it is saying?

Are you happy in your life? What changes can you make?

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Breathe deep, you are not alone.

“Hush…” warned the butterfly

“Hush…” warned the butterfly

Long shadows reach across the moon cast night, eerie fingers climbing

eagerly over rock and root with gnarled nails scraping at dampened crevice

and sunken corners, leaving behind a mist of molding questions to hang

within the air. Such a night that no soul in its right mind would wander,

whisper or walk without an army of well fitted men to protect ones back.

Fires crackle, with blue hands nearby, shoulders shivering as bodies huddle

close, eyes black and beady steal glances from side to side, fearful of what

may lie behind them. A thickness of unease is spread like tar, sickly

clinging to the living and those near dead. Its fangs bare down, a serpent

sneaking its way into our beds, eyes betraying its thoughts as it sucks the

warmth from within us. Breath and the beat beat of our chest, pale faces with

lips parted gasp, what was life but joyous… now rain ruined and blood

stained red. Knees pressed into the dirt, cold and hard, prayers turned to the

heavens, hands rose up high, “if there be a god may he find us, may he

save us from this tide.” Tears blink and down from cheek run, falling with

a shattering of sighs amongst the bent and broken. Children cry, but pause, a

moment hung, is that a star hidden within the sky, or a sweet angel? Creature

of the light, her heart so pure, she is singing for us. “Raise the stagnant air

from the earth and send it far from sight, raise the voices of the lovers,

bring out the dolphin hymns, fend off the night!” Like a thunder clap the

silence broken, with a roar of waves upon the sky. Wondrous laughter

carried upward, with wings unfolding, soaring outward far and wide. Into

the rainbow light, along the rosy tide, crystal souls a dancing, white skirts

and gleaming smiles.

With the world now awakened, no sadness here can lie.

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A moment to remember

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Today would have been my dad’s 62nd birthday, it’s been almost 7 years and I still have moments when I want to pick up the phone and call him, for a second forgetting that he’s no longer here…

The best thing that I’ve heard in quite sometime in regards to dealing with loss was in an episode of Vampire Diaries, (yes I enjoy my Vampire Diaries thank you very much) when one of the characters says to another:

“Today isn’t the worst day of your life, today and tomorrow it’s a cake walk, there’ll be people around you day in and day out like they’re afraid to leave you alone, the worst day…that’s next week when there’s nothing but quiet…”

Truth, a terrible truth and it never ends, those moments when there is nothing but the silence around you and all you can think of is that person that is no longer there.

There are many survivors of loss, when you feel that silence and that alone, dead space, try to remember that you really are not alone though you may feel it.

When you can take a breath and tear yourself away from that distant and hollow reflection that is starring back at you from that still and glassy mirror, touch your heart and feel its beat. There are many like you out there, feeling lost and alone, reach out and know that you are loved, supported and like every other day, this day too will pass and you will be ok.

I speak about loss frequently! Because it’s hard and I too need these reminders when I’m having a bad day, so I share them with others in hopes that somehow perhaps I can give comfort, even if just for the time that it takes for you to read this.

Love and be loved, today, tomorrow and for always.

But now! Today is about celebration! Celebrating my awesome dad on his birthday. Raising a glass to you dad! Love you forever.

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Happy birthday daddy! We love you tons and miss you loads ❤