Tag Archive | beauty in being

Fear Not The Lone One’s Cry

The sun breaking through fallen eaves,
the swaying branch of laughing trees,
the sight of silver-white snow,
a breathy mist, a sorrowful crow.

Tomorrow’s rain that calls new life,
leaves that spiral bringing flight,
the softest hush, the smoothest sigh,
another day to wave goodbye.

And then unto this night begone!
For love is swift and battles strong,
nothing left but freedoms win…
this life is ours to suffer in.

Triumph is sweet as tulips kiss
and lips shall meet as hearts shall risk,
another season sings its song.

The moon is high, the light glows on…

 

IMG_2210n

 

The Dreamer & The Fawn

My grandmama (on my mother’s side) wrote a beautiful poem about a young man from long ago and a love that they shared yet was never spoken of. It stays with me, here and there I’ll see it among all her writings, letters and stories. When I think of it, as I find myself now, I always wonder why… why they never told each other how they truly felt? Never the right time perhaps? Something or someone always getting in the way? I suppose I’ll never really know… I can only hope that now on another plain they have found a way to exchange soft words and not far off glances, glances inevitably blocked by “the timing just isn’t right.”

Does one ever truly have the courage to risk breaking friendships that are so elegantly intertwined? Those that seem to stay in a land where time stands still, each moment filled with laughter and promises of forever never coming to pass.

The poet who speaks with flowers and words scripted upon stones hidden far away. But is it only a romantic fantasy? A stable boy finding his way to the princess, though worlds keep them long apart.

How do we dream up such things? Is it not because of the heart. The heart which through shadow and dark passage can only speak the truth, untainted by jealous thought and fear, the heart a peaceful warrior always steady, always strong. The candle in the wind.

“Bring me a rose any day and smile sweetly, I’ll remember, through star cast nights when the winds whisper ‘always and forever’, I’ll remember…”

“Wait for the pass to open when winter is finally gone, but be wary, sweetheart, of waiting far too long. The spring will come then go, the grass will weave and frosts not so tender hand will grasp and tear, another winter has come and for what? To leave one waiting… and springs perfect timing yet again to come, missed, now gone…”

For all my thought-filled wanderings I’ll leave your mind to play with this.

Be wary sweetheart. ‘Alone’ is ‘long’, when robbed of ‘A’, ‘E’ and followed by ‘G’. … and love is hardly this sensible… Be it always tender and strong.

-Said the wayward dreamer to the fawn.

IMG_0303

Never too old for magic

I remember the excitement of Christmas as a child, peaking through my bedroom curtains to see if it was snowing yet, placing water outside waiting for it to freeze, thus telling of the inevitable snowfall. The smell of the tree of course was the best of all, when it was dark out the tree would sparkle as if lit by fairy wings, dancing with tinsel and fragile glittery bulbs that would shatter into a million pieces if dropped, we’d lose one or two every year no matter how careful we were, they were just so delicate.

 Best of all were the gifts! Coming from such a large family, my immediate family alone would fill the under branches of the tree with so many gifts that it became almost impossible to water the poor green giant, all dressed up but with no place to go, one would have to create a path among the presents or lose our precious new family member to drought.

Nothing more exciting however then the night before Christmas, the hush of tired little elves and the rustle of last minute wrapping, it’s magic in the air, floating around each of us, radiating and multiplying into a tizzy of rambunctious joy!

My siblings and I would dream of snow, we’d cut out little paper snow flakes and tape them to the very large kitchen windows, this was tradition to give thanks to the snow for joining us in the past and willing it to return once again.

In those days we had several white Christmas mornings greet us, in our eyes snow would bring all the mystical creatures of the holiday to our home and it never quiet felt as special on years when the snow stayed away.

Even with the likely argument between either mum and dad or one of us kids getting into some silly quarrel Christmas was always the best part of the year, to this day I believe in the magic that surrounds us during the holiday season, hearts are warmer, hands open, smiles frequent. Though it’s not so much about the wading through knee deep discarded wrapping paper that I long for anymore, but the wholesome belly filled love sensation that is everywhere. The air still tingles and the Christmas tree still homes a dozen fairies, wings all a flutter.

…And perhaps maybe, just maybe if we are really still and press our noses to the cold glass of our windows, maybe we’ll by chance catch sight of the first snow flake as it falls.

 

IMG_3933

I’ll be seeing you…

I’m sitting here at my weekly local cafe ‘write-in’ and instead of working on my current project I’m thinking about my grandma’s celebration of life which is happening today. In this all I can think of is how I don’t really want to be there, because I’m “supposed” to be saying goodbye, but I don’t want to say goodbye, I’m not ready for goodbye…. so perhaps I need to look at this from another angle, maybe I’m saying “I’ll see you later” or “I’ll be seeing you”, and I can hear the lyrics as the song comes to mind…. I’ll listen to it in my head and smile, for Grandmama Moo loved those beautiful classic love songs and movies! She did love going to see movies, the cinema as she always called it, “I’d like to go to the cinema”, she’d say, and we would…

When it was easier for her to get around her and I would on occasion go to the cinema, she liked Fifth Avenue Cinema’s, there is this lovely little cafe around the corner from the theater and we’d always go for a coffee before or after the movie. Moonie (as she was called by us grandchildren) loved to go for tea or coffee, or a little lunch at the local cafe down the street from her second floor apartment. I loved these outings, I loved how she would just sit and watch people walking by, we’d comment on a new painting or flowers on the tables and just be.

Later when it was too much for her to do these outings I’d go over to her place and we’d have tea and biscuits and a light lunch in her living room, we’d look out the windows and talk about the trees and what colour the leaves were, or untangle weeds in her patio garden and see how the roses were looking and if any were budding yet.

Grandmama Moo had a gift, she saw beyond all the ugliness in the world to the beauty that flourishes in every corner, no matter what was happening in the world she’d see the flowers hidden by overgrown ivy and the tulips escaping from behind the rubbish bins, some may say that she saw the world through rose coloured glasses, I appreciated this way of seeing things, I know it was also an escape for her from the pain that one carries in life, however it helped me, the way she saw things, helped me to get out of my head and find my heart once more and the creativity that is everywhere and in everything.

It became harder and harder for her to find these moments of magic in the last year of her life, it was strange to see her struggling with depression as it became more and more clear that she was coming to the end of this life’s journey, slowly I found myself faced with the fact that I needed to let go.

When it came to her time she wanted to go, she even told us, her family and friends that she was ready and wanted to die, it was hard to hear but I was proud of her as all of us were, she’d lived a good long life full of love and joy, with hardship and pain of course, but oh so much fun! She knew how to have fun and I think this is what made the last months or year of her life so hard for her, when her mobility finally went and all the things that she loved to do, even walking around the block simply became too hard for her.

I struggle with the time line of things and exactly when it was that she stopped fighting, it doesn’t matter, not really, what matters is how I want to continue living and honouring her memory, I miss her, all the creative talks, dreams, writing discussions, poetry and romance. There is so much I could say, so many things, but goodbye is not one of them and so I shall forget about goodbye, she’s here, as are all our loved ones in spirit, watching over us, supporting and protecting us, inspiring and pushing us.

So today I’ll raise my tea cup to Grandmama Moo and say “I’ll be seeing you”… and simply leave it at that.

FullSizeRender (1)

…. Grandmama Moo, the Rose Heart.

Drop

Words like imagery can move you…

into alternate places, deep and devastating corners of your mind, into shadow, into light,

there is something there to be said, something there to be felt, something….

And when you see it, feel it, read it, you are somewhere else, someone else,

and the universe appears in a way never before felt, never before seen,

it’s magic and wonder both at the same time and all you can do is stop,

close your eyes and breathe for fear of being lost in the wonder that is…

IMG_0028

Life’s many strides

Sometimes the world is a horrifically uncomfortable place to live in, being “human” can be very difficult, everyday one can be faced with all sorts of challenges and then we are expected to get through it and not just scrape by but excel as if we are robots with no feelings at all, we shut down, shut out, compartmentalise, if we didn’t could we really do the day to day?

We have trauma, broken hearts, illnesses, family dramas, relationship dramas, work dramas, really every sort of drama that one can think of!

There are moments, breaths when for myself all I can do is take time, lots and lots of time, time just for me.

I cannot live and not feel, it isn’t in me, I do the little stuffing things in “boxes” I have to when there are things that simply must get done, with caution, meticulously, gently and so very carefully as to not step on my own toes.

I have sever anxiety from past traumas in my life (most of us do) and it is a constant balance to be sympathetic with myself and my difficulties as well as knowing when I have to take a step out of the comfort zone. I’m not sure how one really knows when to peek around the corner of the door and when to actually pull on the shoes and step outside, for each and every one of us it will be different. I do know that I get absolutely no place fast when I force myself to do something that is too much, too hard, too triggering. To re-traumatize is not a good thing and in my experience we each have to be the judge of what that is and what that means for ourselves, this is true for me, perhaps not for you, only you know…

Sometimes it is enough to get up, get breakfast and make tea, sometimes it is enough to go for a walk or a drive. I do not force myself these days, I know when I need to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that today I will do something new that pushes me outside of my comfort zone. Do not tell me when this time is, you don’t know, you aren’t me. I will not wallow, I don’t believe in “wallowing”, I believe in taking time and space for myself and it is the most important thing, the most healing thing, really the best thing I can do.

I love to walk down the street and smell the rain, to see the greenery struggling to escape from the ground, to try and guess if the sun will or will not greet us this day.

I live a gentle life and I like it that way, but I haven’t always, I’ve lived in an incredibly fast paced world which I both loved and hated at the time. I make “sacrifices” which don’t feel like sacrifices to me, though others may disagree, I live simply so as to have more time to myself and less outside of the home in the madness of the world which I still struggle to deal with. It isn’t natural, in my eyes, this always going places super-fast, money, money, money! What is success to you? I live and breathe for space and time, for myself, drama free, it isn’t always easy, it is still a battle to know what to do and how to do it. The world for me is a very alien place, I see it as if in slow motion in colours, smells and sounds, heart beats and the shadow that hides just behind the eyes.

I won’t pretend because it hurts more to pretend then to not, I move slowly until I know where to put my feet and then I can leap forward at a pace that may feel quick to some but to me is just as simple as suddenly knowing and then moving, with that knowing in hand. I feel like an eagle watching something with a cautious eye, waiting to see which way the wind will blow before spreading its wings to take flight.

The world is a strange and alien place… every single day I am learning how to be in it, with words I paint the picture I see in my mind and it helps me to lay my roots and sense my purpose and move within it.

Every day is an adventure, sometimes that adventure is the discovering of what to eat or which trek around the neighborhood to take and sometimes it’s a job interview, a date, the start of a class or ticking something off of the bucket list. It’s an amazing and beautiful, frightening and intriguing adventure, I am here to live it, even if I don’t always want to be, I am committed to understanding what it is to me, what it means to be here to me, because really I’m here, in this body as me, so… I may as well figure out how best to do that.

With one step a day, heart and hand open, the strangeness and wonders of life continues… one day at a time.

IMG_4138nn

Boondocks… oh mine boondocks…

Give me a place to hang my hat, candle and small desk to write upon…

Give me wine to wet my throat, so dry from this land…

Give me bread and cheese to fill my belly.

Give me peace from the road I walk, the path too long…

Give me a tree to stare at from my windowsill.

Give me a breeze, so sweet, so fresh… until come dawn…

Give me a hand to hold and eyes to loose oneself within.

Give me a place in my heart to rest and a gentleness of mind…

Thus to create…
Thus to find…

10922776_10155134178280343_8165769020465731900_n